Birth
Birth ~ savage, gentle, loud, silent. Swearing, doubting, believing, breathing, roaring. All of it. Wholly. Fully. Me. The most transcendent hours I’ve known.
In the dark silence of an early morning back in August, Baby begged to be known. The surges came in fast and intense from the start ~ they wrapped around me, consumed me wholly. They ached deep in my bones and pulled me down to all fours. I met them there with my breath ~ oh the power of the breath.
The surges came like fierce ocean waves. Not more than a minute between each, Baby was coming fast. Wave after wave. Rise and fall ~ finding that moment of reprieve before the next one came and I’d have to rise up with it or be swallowed by it. Just as I had imagined and prepared, this was the work to meet my baby.
Floating in ocean with me were my incredible team, calmly working their magic: my midwife Elodie, supporting midwife Fleur, our doula Sarah, my friend/photographer Flore and my ever so calm and steady Lucas. I had all the external support and safety I needed to remain internal and primordial with the work that belonged solely to me ~ flow with the waves like the selkie sister from my pregnant dreams.
Wild roars. Sobs of doubt ~ “it’s not going to come out”. Dropping down. Surrendering. To the intensity, the pressure, the frontier of pain and pleasure. Trust. Wobble. Trust. Trust. Trust.
Lucas held me. Sarah reassured me. Elodie guided me. Fleur observed me. Flore captured me. And Baby worked with me. Turning. Wiggling. Descending. I could feel it all, just as I had wanted.
One last savage roar to call Baby from the depths of the sea.
And there She came. Our daughter. Lucas and I yoked together in this spectacular 4.4kg girl. I marvelled, I stared ~ unsure of who this beautiful creature was, what I felt for her, and who I now was, washed up on the shore with Her on my chest.
Matrescence had cracked open ~ roaming in darkness, tenderness, loneliness, total happiness and utter emptiness. A complex and constant multiplicity. How brutal and sweet to become ‘Mother’ and to journey ahead with this sunbeam by my side.
Lily x